Bob Monkhouse died

icelava — Tue, 06 Jan 2004 20:41:25 GMT

A great British comedian died recently. The <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/tv_and_radio/3353977.stm">BBC report</a> quotes a good number of his one-liners which are hilarious. Too bad I only knew about him now. In case the quotes vanish, they are duplicated below.
<hr>
"I got my start in silent radio."

"The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time."

"Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?"

"My wife's see-through nightie is now bi-focal."

"Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional."

"If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours."

"A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away."

"I swam in the dead sea when it was only critically ill."

"My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo."

"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now."

"What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals."

"I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights."

"I remember when safe sex was a padded headboard."

"Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money."

"I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer."

"My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh."

Facetious

Bob Monkhouse died